Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I just blew my weed a kiss
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
