I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
