fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Too much gin, very little bucket
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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