that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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