I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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