I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
