So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
