I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
