and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
