Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
