My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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