When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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