Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Randomize