Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
How's work?
Spinning.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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