Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
