I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
