who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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