I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
