Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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