my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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