her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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