god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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