farters have to be the big spoon...
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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