Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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