did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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