I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
