remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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