hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize