I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
