I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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