he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
His nipple licking is glorious
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