I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
fuck your aforementioned shoe
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
