How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
