just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i was born a porn star she said
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
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