Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
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