Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
