if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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