Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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