I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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