I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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