Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Randomize
