The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize