i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
