I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
And then my night got REAL pukey
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
