you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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