she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
