good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Randomize
