No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
