I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
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