If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize