I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
