God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
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HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Randomize
