i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
