In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
We need to get me chipped asap
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
