3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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