I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
