Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
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