IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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