Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
