I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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