Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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