Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
